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When Is Now

You swore one day you would kiss me
And we would trade our vows
If not now, when will you love me baby?
… when is now

We fell in love, I was the luckiest boy alive
I think we were five
Sharing our Twinkies and laughter
Pretending forever after

At thirteen we messed around behind the record store
Fumbling and kissing and a little bit more
It was the best year of my life
You said one day you would be my wife

You swore one day you would kiss me
And we would trade our vows
If not now, when will you love me?
Please tell me when is now

We still liked each other in high school
But you had a boyfriend your girlfriends thought was cool
I told you on the sly I was just having fun
The twinkle in your eye told me
I was still your truly only one

My first husband was a total jerk
I’d call you up to complain
About the drinking and fighting
Until one day thank God I left
You know there’s only one guy for you
Do you remember my name?
But I’m getting tired of holding my breath

So now we’re grown and the birds have all flown
We live a block apart but we’re both alone
What are you waiting for, some proof?
How about if I shout it from my roof

You swore one day you would kiss me
And we would trade our vows
If not now, when will you love me?
Please tell me that when is now
I heard you holler back

Today’s the day I will kiss you
And we will trade our vows
You know I have always loved you honey
‘When’ is now
Come on down because when is now

Wrong Star

Girl got nice boots
Sparkle-stripe pant suit
Working at a photo-shoot
Kinda freaky

Dude got a nice car
Dresses like a drug czar
Plays a lot of air guitar
Kinda creepy

She followed the wrong star
Doesn’t understand
What she’s doing in Marina Del Mar
With this kind of man

He came out of Fargo
Had a local TV show
Went as far as he could go
But never said it

Met her at a screen test
A back room in Key West
She was always second best
Didn’t get it

He followed the wrong star
Not what he planned
Laying low in Marina Del Mar
With his head in the sand

Someday we’ll hit LA
Take that town by storm
Until then we’ll be OK
Staying loaded and warm

His fantasy diorama
A trouble-free sugar mama
Smoking in his pajamas
With a pistol

She’s a little bi-polar
Thought she had a high-roller
Both of them lost their molars
From the Crystal

They followed the wrong star
Not what they planned
Dry dreams in Marina Del Mar
Crinkled and tanned

They followed the wrong star
Not what they planned
Burning out in Marina Del Mar
Hand in hand

Blue Camaro

Barstool encounter with an old school chum
Who is the prettiest girl you see?
Over there serving beer to a bum
Lately she’s been coming to me
In my dreams

Black lips
Red bolero
White lies in my
Blue Camaro

Hey we got a problem here?
Too much flirting with other guys
Ignoring me for the past few years
Just part of her cruel disguise

I am in love with your dream
Suffer and wait downstream

It was a lightning strike
Little toe turned indigo
Shakin’ all the way down the pike
Oh my little sparrow

Started when she was nice to me
Tried to say but she said zero
Postcards laced with hyperbole
From the parking lot anti-hero

I am in love with your dream
Get ready for the trouble team

Chummy scared about the dream we shared
Tried to go but I say no no
Don’t drive man you seem impaired
Get in the back of my blue Camaro

I am in love with your dream

Left it on a sandbar
Somewhere in Ontario
Double scar in a muscle car
Admissible bones and marrow

More Push Than Pull

You got no manners, got no sense
Got no good excuse for your ignorance
You got no honey ’cause you want a slave
Got no money ’cause you refuse to save

You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull

Got no friends ’cause you’re not nice
Everything you think you know you learned by doing twice
Want something for nothing so you roll the dice
But you crap out every time and refuse to pay the price

Got no voice I think you missed the boat
Got no choice and you don’t even vote
You tell me you’ve got pull, you tell me you’ve got influence
It’s just a bunch of bull, just a bad coincidence

You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull

You drive a great big car, makes you feel like a man
Don’t go very far just as fast as you can
You got no respect for anyone you meet
You point out all their defects, you think that you can beat them
At their own game, make them taste humiliation
Gonna make them feel your pain when you take out your frustration
You wanna push ‘til they give up
Gonna push ‘til they submit
Push ‘til we cry uncle
Gonna push us down and make us feel like shit because

You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull
You got more push than pull

DoubleSleep

I was asleep, I had a dream
In my dream I was asleep inside another dream
I dreamed it was a peaceful world
I was sharing my life with a beautiful girl
Then I woke up into my original dream
Where life is cold and short, I was alone it seemed
At 6am when my alarm clock beeps
I’m gonna hit the snooze button twice
Go back to double sleep
Go right back to double sleep

I was walking through a forest green
With spicy little mushrooms and animals I’d never seen
Flaming waterfalls and pretty birds
I was writing this song
Without using real words
I made up my own language

My rapid eye movement has been corrupted
Ring ring the telephone the silence interrupted
I hate your guts man, you got the wrong number
Hanging up on you go right back to my double slumber

I’m wide awake now inside my dream
Eating my own fingers and swallowing my primal scream
Livin’ my life inside a hotel room
With a polka-dot pony drinking water from the craters on the moon
Drinkin’ water from the craters…

Me and my baby were driving up the coast when
Ding-dong the doorbell I guess it is the postman
I’m getting angry now, I’ve had my fill
I hope you are bringing me a brand new feather pillow

I was asleep, I had a dream
In my dream I was asleep inside another dream
I dreamed it was a peaceful world
I was sharing my life with a beautiful girl
Then I woke up into my original dream
Where life is cold and short, I was alone it seemed
At 6am when my alarm clock beeps
I’m gonna hit the snooze button twice
Go back to double sleep
Going back to double sleep

Take Your Life Seriously

Thing about the Great Wall
Once you seen a piece of it you’ve seen it all.
Seriously
You can build a big stone boat
Cover it with the sex organs of plants and call it a float
Or you could take your own life seriously

You might want to call your kids Flotsam and Jetsam
Maybe you aspire to be the world’s biggest slob
Maybe you’re a go-getter, better go out and get some
Get a wife and have a dog named Bob

But you’ve got no time for fun
Gotta cover your tracks and load your gun
Take your own life seriously

At the beach or at the mall
You could rake the sand or you could sweep the hall
You might want to take your schoolwork seriously
Work your fingers to the bone
So you can listen to Ozzy Osborne on your crummy little headphones
You might want to take your own life seriously

You ought to play basketball in South Carolina
Maybe you could study those little moon rocks
Or sell a bell for every bicycle in China
Bring your money back home and play the stocks

Like a bird who cannot fly
Just pick a funny name and learn how to jump real high
Why don’t you take your own life seriously?

Drop a clock to the bottom of the sea
Put one on the moon and give a third one to me
I will discredit your logic permanently
I can prove that chaos is rational
I can prove anarchy is divine
I can prove that a single object
Can really be in two places at one time

When I’m dead and I’m gone
Some will call me right and some will call me blond
But all will agree I took my own life seriously
Thing about the Great Wall
Once you’ve seen a piece of it you’ve seen it all!
And you can take your own life seriously

The Painful End

Everybody has a painful end
Everybody has a painful end
It doesn’t matter how you go
Quick by the guillotine or bleeding
Everybody has a painful end

In my life I’ve crunched cockroaches
In my life I’ve killed ants with masking tape
In my life I’ve shot birds
In my life I have broken the backs of mice
Everybody has a painful end

I’ve hit fish in the brain with the back of a knife
Sent lobsters screaming for their life
I eat my share of meat
Even cut the head off of a chicken once

Everybody has a painful end
Everybody has a painful end
It doesn’t matter how you go
Like a fox in a foxhunt or a man in a foxhole
Everybody has a painful end

I knew a I guy who died in a car crash
Another guy who burned to death
I knew a guy who inhaled some butane
Froze his lungs, couldn’t catch his breath
I knew a guy who had a heart attack
Crawled through the snow
But he couldn’t get back to the house
I knew a guy who shot himself
He couldn’t figure out what everybody else figured out

Everybody has a painful end
Everybody has a painful end
It doesn’t matter how you go
In a barrel flash or crying and pleading
Everybody has a painful end

Catfish Road

Gonna use my final hour
To see if I can reconcile
Searching for a higher power
Might start looking for a holy sign
Praying to god
Saving my soul saying
Lord I been working overtime

Got no other mouths to feed
If you choose to take me now
I’ll never get to grow my seed
And play my part
I can’t afford to leave
I know I’m alone but
Christ I just can’t believe

You’d kill me right here
Please let me stay another year
I’m leaving the city for good this time
Gonna follow the wind
I’ll follow my heart
Find out what kind of shape I’m in

I’m tired of the madness
Tired of this town
Let me take you up to Canada
Show you around
We’ll go walking out on Catfish Road

Whistling a working song
Maybe we could lighten our load
It shouldn’t take too long
Forget about this place
Why go searching for the truth
When it’s been staring you back in the face

I’m tired of the madness
Tired of this town
Let me take you up to Canada
Show you around
We’ll go walking out on Catfish Road

Whistling a working song
Maybe we could lighten our load
It shouldn’t take too long
Forget about this place
Why go searching for the truth
When it’s been staring you right back in the face

Both Of Me

There was a girl in the corner, she looked confused
I was in the other corner looking at the news
She was peeling her fruit from both ends
One eye lookin’ at me
Hey you in the suit could we just be friends
Because I like what I think I see
When I agreed to date him
I might’a thought he had a PHD
But she found out later when she noticed my boots
I’m a man with a split personality

Got a half-ton pick-up in my front yard
And a Beemer in my garage
Might be workin’ in the back like a lumberjack
Or baking up a quiche au fromage
I might not always be the man you think you see
But I foresee you falling in love with both of me

She and I were discussing the relative merits
Of contemporary sculpture compared to the primitives
Sippin’ our Cognac and rolling our eyeballs
When I got a hankerin’ to shoot some nine-ball
Playing five-ten-twenty ‘till the money’s all gone
Then we slip into the underground and dance until dawn
Sun comes up we’re eating Crêpe Suzettes and
Rolling up our funny hand made cigarettes

Got a half-ton pick-up in my front yard
Got a Tesla in my garage
I might be flippin’ flapjacks like a maniac
Or giving you a little toe massage
I might not always be the man you think you see
But I guarantee you all my love
From both of me

That sounds just about right
So where you gonna take me to tonight?

I’ll take you to the opera, hell I’ll take you to Venice
I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go
Just take me back to the hotel honey
Let’s have a horizontal rodeo
I got down on one knee beggin’ please please
Won’t you make an honest man out of me?
I will and I won’t and here’s something you should know
About the other side of little ol’ me

Some days I look exactly like Cleopatra
Other days I just don’t care
I might be walking ‘round the house in a facial mask
Wearing your underwear
I might not always be the woman you want to see
But I guarantee you all of my love from both of me
I guarantee you all of my love from both of me

Man In Traction

I go around and round and round this stupid town
Stepping in the same puddle moving in the wrong direction
I’m found and lost and found and lost and found
A week ago I had soulmate
Now I got her cat and I’m cooking on a hot plate
It’s alright I just accept my fate
Head down to the club to find me a date

There’s always a handful of nurses at the bar
Blowing off a little steam after their shift
It’s right next to the hospital, they don’t even need a car
Me and the boys look alright
Goin’ down to the club try to pick a fight
I could use a fat lip or an allergic reaction
Any luck I might end up in traction

Goin’ down to the Sweet Spot lookin’ for a cheap shot
Find a redhead and take her for a twirl
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
And a man in traction is gettin’ all the girls

I don’t need cool clothes
I need anesthesiology
A chick busted my nose
Called it reverse psychology
Barely made it out alive
Ears still ringing to the Bachman Turner Overdrive

Everywhere you look there’s firecrackers on the floor
And dancing little dipshits who made it in past the bouncer
If you show up handsome he’ll mess you up at the door
Me and the boys we look alright
Goin’ down to the club try to pick a fight
I could use a black eye to get some action
With any luck I might end up in traction

Goin’ down to the Sweet Spot lookin’ for a cheap shot
Find a redhead and take her for a twirl
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
And a man in traction is gettin’ all the girls

The man in traction is gettin’ all the girls

Down at The Sweet Spot
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear
And the man in traction
Is buying everybody a beer

I Never Cheated On You

I went out dancing with my wife
One of the great joys of our life
We do the Jitterbug Swing to the saxophone
Stop for a snack on our way home
Miniskirt waitress brought my pie
My eye crawled halfway up her thigh
Got smacked in the head with the back of a knife
Buddy you better pray for your life
‘cause you know I’m the jealous kind
So keep your mind offa’ her behind
Baby I am a stand-up guy
I had the ultimate reply

I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you I ain’t that dumb
But the night’s still young

Down at the beach a Georgia peach
In a red bikini was throwin’ heat
She had freckles and dimples and her booty shook
‘scuse me while I have a look
Honey I don’t want to start a fight
But I also got a God-given right
So what do you think of that muscle man
With the real cute smile and awesome tan
Got no opinion, ain’t my thing
I knew she was just throwing me a zing
I could tell by her evil grin
And the way she’s twirling her wedding ring

I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you I ain’t that dumb
But the night’s still young

She’s my sugar and he’s my honey
We tease each other ‘cause we think it’s funny
Everybody craves a little spice
But being married to you is awfully nice

I never cheated on her you ask me why
I never want to see my baby cry
‘Cause there’s some things you can’t do alone
Like the Jitterbug Swing to the saxophone

I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you I ain’t that dumb
But the night’s still young

I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
No baby, I ain’t that dumb
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you
I never cheated on you I ain’t that dumb
Oh lookout… the night’s still young

Abaddon Rodeo

Last night I got indicted by the thought police
About a nineteenth century Crapper in the foyer
A terrible idea but I got released
By a twenty-first century Twitter finger lawyer

Smooth sailing
A fly flew by with a big wake trailing
He was headed for the Abaddon Rodeo

Salvador Dali liked to twist his ‘stash
Like a web-toed tongue-tied simulacrum
With three fish eyes and a barrel full of cash
They eat it up at Sotheby’s yum-yum-yum

Smooth sailing
You don’t need to succeed if you’re good at failing
We’re going to the Abaddon Rodeo

Do you think you should
Tell people they are evil when they’re basically good?
What the hell, might as well
As long as they are buying the stories you tell

Does a midlife crises make you walk like that
To the middle of the bar with your headlights shining
No one under forty even talks like that
I guess every black hole has got a silver lining

Smooth sailing
I took a three-chord skateboard nutter off the railing
At least I got a funny video

We went down to the pit with a big drill bit
Punching through the shield to the center of the earth
Now we’re spinning and grinning like a pig on a spit
Hey, future fossils with all your net worth

Do you think you should
Tell people who are evil that they’re basically good?
What the hell, might as well
It’s only your reflection in the bottom of the well

Smooth sailing
All the boys and girls were weeping’ and wailin’
Heating up the dance floor down below
With the cutest little Rockabilly girl I know
It’s getting hot at the Abaddon Rodeo

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